"It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty." -Jonathan Safran Foer
I am 23 years old and in between. Now, yes, this may seem like the beginning of an angst-ridden rant, and maybe it is. But allow me this. After all, didn't you, at 23, also have the same feeling of being lost? Of confusion? Of emptiness? If you answered no, then very good for you. You are part of the very few.
I had always been told by those older than I that I am young. I do not need to figure everything out at once; that I had time. They go on to cite their own experiences, saying it took them years to have everything sorted, and still it is not completely done.
But with that encouragement also comes the underlying pressure of the unspoken (and yet, sometimes spoken) question of "What do you plan to do with your life?" And unfortunately, answering, "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" is met with either a derisive stare or a sympathetic look. Or a combination of both.
So you might understand where this pre-quarter life crisis is coming from. Do I go with the flow or do I dive right in? Now, I don't expect an answer, this is me merely throwing the questions out there, attempting to make sense of this mess in my mind.
I know what I want to do, and yet, I do not know how to go about doing it. That is the in between, that is where I am stuck, that is the source of this feeling of being empty.
Indeed, I don't need to be complete; I don't want to be. Being complete would mean there would be nothing to strive for. And yet being as empty as this, being as confused and stuck as this, is not what I want nor what I need.
I know I will get there, I know I'll figure it out. Eventually, yes, I know. But right now? Right now, allow me the confusion, allow me this lost feeling, allow me to imagine myself floating in the middle of the ocean on a tiny boat at midnight. Allow me this feeling of in between.
I am pressured but not stressed, I am inspired but not motivated, I am certain but not sure.
Let me find my identity in all my identities. Allow me this in between.
I am 23 years old and in between. Now, yes, this may seem like the beginning of an angst-ridden rant, and maybe it is. But allow me this. After all, didn't you, at 23, also have the same feeling of being lost? Of confusion? Of emptiness? If you answered no, then very good for you. You are part of the very few.
I had always been told by those older than I that I am young. I do not need to figure everything out at once; that I had time. They go on to cite their own experiences, saying it took them years to have everything sorted, and still it is not completely done.
But with that encouragement also comes the underlying pressure of the unspoken (and yet, sometimes spoken) question of "What do you plan to do with your life?" And unfortunately, answering, "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" is met with either a derisive stare or a sympathetic look. Or a combination of both.
So you might understand where this pre-quarter life crisis is coming from. Do I go with the flow or do I dive right in? Now, I don't expect an answer, this is me merely throwing the questions out there, attempting to make sense of this mess in my mind.
I know what I want to do, and yet, I do not know how to go about doing it. That is the in between, that is where I am stuck, that is the source of this feeling of being empty.
Indeed, I don't need to be complete; I don't want to be. Being complete would mean there would be nothing to strive for. And yet being as empty as this, being as confused and stuck as this, is not what I want nor what I need.
I know I will get there, I know I'll figure it out. Eventually, yes, I know. But right now? Right now, allow me the confusion, allow me this lost feeling, allow me to imagine myself floating in the middle of the ocean on a tiny boat at midnight. Allow me this feeling of in between.
I am pressured but not stressed, I am inspired but not motivated, I am certain but not sure.
Let me find my identity in all my identities. Allow me this in between.
Comments
Post a Comment